TTS: Interludes of Life

21 January 2014, 1:28PM 

It's been a while since I revealingly poured my heart out. I need to vent. I need to do a little more than vent actually, I need to offload; my mental cap requires a rigorous spring clean. 

My mind is stained with past hurts, fears, worries and anxiety. I've tried using every detergent and power cleaner I could get my hands on to remove the stubborn marks, but nothing works. I've scrubbed, and scratched, and rubbed, and still, nothing. Scars of failed attempts to remove them with superficial and ineffective cleaners remain visible on the surface of my psyche and no matter how hard I try, I can't hide it anymore. There's only one entity I know will work but I'm so afraid to relinquish myself to it because we haven't spoken in a while.

Well, here goes nothing: 

Hello, Higher Self. It's me, again.

I'm sorry I've neglected You, yet again. I let the outside world come between us and convince me I could do it all without You. What a blatant and inflated lie. I need you. I know I cannot separate You from me, but foolishly, I try, anyway. I don't know why I do it. Maybe it's because it's worlds easier to live up to a mediocre version of me than it is to live up to the greatness that is, You. I'm having a hard time being myself. Admittedly because I know I can't be me, without You. And that's been made clear to me countless times before yet I fail to consistently remember that. I relapse once too many times and I can't take it anymore. I apologise for my stupidity. 

Now that I've opened the channels of communication again, I feel the grey cloud has shifted a little to let in the light, and I have You to thank for that. 

I was dying inside, drowning in the deep oceans of my own insanity. It hurt to feel the life being sucked right out of me. It scared me to be losing breath knowing I couldn't do anything about it. I was petrified to realize this was it. Bystanders in a nearby passing lifeboat stared on sympathetically, and even with all my screams for help, they stared on, helplessly. I could not understand why they weren't doing anything to save me. But somewhere along the line, I stopped fighting, and surrendered. An overwhelming acceptance overrode me: no could could save me because I had to save myself. I had to die to be reborn to myself again. I was the only one who could save me from me. These bystanders had survived their own battles, and it was my turn to conquer this war.