Being Ms Difficult

If I laid a brick for each time someone called me difficult, I'd have built myself a version of my own union buildings by now. My inherited gentle smile and kind persona have misled many men into thinking I'm an oversized marshmallow, a full-time pushover (admittedly, which I can be), and some putty you can mold or convert into your "dream gal". But ask anyone who knows me well "What's Tracy like?", and they're bound to paint a strikingly vivid picture of how stubborn as a mule I actually am. It's not that I'm difficult for the sake of being difficult; I'm just not afraid to say when something (or someone) isn't quite for me. As complex as my personality may be, I like to think I'm quite simple to please and decipher; as I've come to understand it though, simplicity is often misconstrued for being complicated. 

When it comes to dating, I think one of the interesting things I've heard someone say about me (by exes, family and friends), is that I have a no-nonsense approach to it. Which is to say, I don't don't give a person enough room to screw up before moving on to my next prey. "Your standards are too high, and you can be too much," is what one of my male friends (we'll call him M) usually says to me each time after I fill him in on the brief details of my latest, deflated and short-lived squeeze. But by what standards are my standards, "impossible standards"?

Let's break down my most common reasons for swopping settling for single:

Your Time is Up
I feel bad for even putting this out there, but the rate at which I lose interest in a guy is almost as fast as your quickest fibre internet connection. Ok, I'm lying. It's more like snail-mail -- give or take, two- to four-weeks -- and that's if I like the oke mildly. If I'm madly in like with him, oh, then Houston, we have a problem... but that's a rare phenomenon. There's only so long a girl can linger about waiting for sparks to catch on where there's no "magic". I'm not dying to be with someone, so I cut my loses and return to Singledom. I really enjoy the process of getting to know someone on actual dates, and yes, I do get bummed out when he's not "the one" -- I may even try to convince myself to settle, but until the time I pick up a strong enough connection with that special guy, this sailor keeps fishing.

He's Just Not That Into Me
I'll tell you one thing: Women are terrible at rejection. We can have ten guys slobbering over us at the same time, and we'll remain hung up on that one guy who's least (or not) interested. Usually I tend to question the obvious, overthink situations and read too much into his actions, all in the effort to avoid the obvious: He's just not that into me. It's a devastating fact I'll probably have to face more times than I'd like to, but men experience it every day, and they seem to move on just fine. If he cancels on plans at last minute, acts too busy, can't give straight answers, always has an excuse for not doing something, brings up his ex at every turn... forgerrabourit. In the past couple of years, I've realised dating's meant to be fun -- not some gruelling interview that my desired marital status depends on as my biological clock draws closer to its expiration date. During that time, I'm feeling out for genuine compatibility (it's got to be as natural as possible), and honesty is key here -- even if that honesty comes from him first. Becuase I'm not one to try and prove that my milkshake is better than any other She, I keep it moving. If I don't score a relationship, at least I got to make out with a cute guy before signing up for rejection therapy. If he hasn't heard from me within a month, consider the therapy very successful.

Going Long-Term
I've never been one to assume the length of a relationship was synonymous with its success, which is one of the reasons I'm not afraid to call it quits when I feel it's time. Being in a relationship isn't the reward for me; being with someone who I feel complements me is. How much time do you need to realise that the train you're on is running on circled tracks and not headed towards your desired destination? Never lie to yourself in an effort to kill Lonely.

When I'm Single, I Enjoy Being Single
I love my own company, and as much as it's great to have someone to share a romantic experience with, I can never have too much me-time, which is why l tend to shy away from men who hop from one relationship to the next after a breakup. I don't trust their state of mind at the time.
Their hearts may be in the right place, but I'm convinced their heads aren't.

The Idea of You
I used to have this atrocious habit of wanting to be with someone because I loved the idea of him, more than I did him. It's not that I didn't love-him love-him, but the chemistry was manufactured and anything but natural. "He's a good man. He's good-looking. He's smart. He's independent. He'll help you forget that silly ex..." that kind of stupid. But now, I'm mature enough to say no to the prospect of dating someone simply for the sake of saying, "I'm with someone." Being single isn't that much of a train-smash.

More than Materialistic
Dear Worthy Suitor
Under any circumstances, please never resort to using what you have or how much you earn to lure me into your den. It's a major eye-roller for me. I might find it impressive and genuinely feel happy for you, but that never dictates whether I choose to be in a relationship with you or not. Show me who you are -- who you really are without the personal boosters, and we could make magic.

Educate Yourself
While I could never turn someone away because they read too little or watch too much of the tube, but I'll definitely make it to the quickest exit if you walk and talk like an overly processed human being that's been plied with too much propaganda and entertainment news to think for themselves. I question everything, I learn, unlearn and relearn on a daily; the last thing I need is to come across yet another man who finds this problematic.

I'm Just Being Honest
As hard as it can be at times, I like being very honest. I'd rather tell someone how I feel or what I think, even if I have to sugar-coat it a tad. (Surprisingly, this hasn't worked out too bad for me in the past.) If I can be brutally honest about anything with you and you like me even more for it, we're headed for the moon, Sunshine.

I'm Very Ambitious
If you gave me a long enough lever, I'd attempt to change the position of the earth. Oh ya... it's that bad. I need to be with someone just as mentally unstable. One of my exes felt I was trying to change him into something he wasn't because I spoke of my dreams and goals. As much as I cared for him, I was forced to break up with him. I never want to make someone else uncomfortable because I'm being myself, and I never want to feel the need to compromise who I am to accommodate another.

No Religion
If I meet another guy who tries to convert me, exorcise me or lecture me into becoming a member of his religion, I may very well start dating women. Seriously: No religious bigots need apply.

Well, there you have it.

In summary, I'd like to iron out the creases of that misconception once again by declaring: I'm not difficult to please. I'm just impossibly patient. It's quite simple jumping into the first seemingly good thing to come by in ages, than it is to wait for something that's meant for you. If it's written, it'll happen. There's no need to try and make orange juice from lemons.

TTS: Interludes of Life

23:08p.m., Thursday, 18 February 2016

One of the many perks of having a  40% glass-walled corner bedroom on the 11th floor of a Jo'burg high-rise apartment building, is that I get to sleep and awaken to one of the most breathtakingly beautiful views of the city. It's one of those things you could easily take for granted if you don't appreciate the splendour of simplicity. Not me, though. I'm constantly reminded how each day -- regardless of routine and its similarity to the previous day -- will never be exactly the same as any other; there's always an element of change. It's also unfathomable to think that each day is a priceless gem no one will ever own.

You can be possessed by it, but you can never possess it.

Remarkable, isn't it?

Hm. My Karma plays very nice though. 

TTS: Interludes of Life

21:59p.m., Tuesday, 16 February 2016

I should be writing.

But I've been researching since I left the office. It's the perfectionist in me -- she won't rest until it feels "just right". This isn't exactly the time to be delaying though; I have a deadline tomorrow. Yikes!

On the topic of work things... did I mention that I've serendipitously been working with "my ex"? My first boyfriend, that is... he was my first-kiss and all. It was the strangest thing. Three weeks ago, as I was typing away at my desk, he casually waltzed into the office -- causing me to lose balance of my chair after recognising him and almost falling. He was taken aback, too; we were both utterly gobsmacked to see each other. After nine years. Where we least expected. (I secretly spent a moment thanking my lucky stars our "breakup" wasn't a bitterly bad one, otherwise this working period was bound to be a nightmare.) My colleague and mentor has taken to calling him "Karma", because she's convinced there's a karmic reason we found ourselves in the same space every day again. (I just think it mere coincidence. We don't want to get back into the habit of reading too much into things, now, do we?) She's a lovely, funny soul, that one. Anyway, it's been good seeing, and sort of working with him after all that time. I'll be woman enough to admit that I snuck peaks at his behind every time he walked past my desk. He's still got those deathby--chocolate-man brackets! Jee. Sus.

While I remain rooted at the office, he gets to travel everywhere  Bummer. I still love my job though.

So long, Karma.

TTS: Interludes of Life

TTS: Interludes of Life

22:42p.m., Monday, 15 February 2016

This has had to be one of the bluest Mondays I've had in years. Borderline Black Monday, actually. I feel overworked, overwhelmed, misunderstood and underappreciated. Go ahead and call me a big baby, but it's not often that I complain, and when I do, I like to let all the emotional burdens go.

You've probably guessed it: my skies were covered in  grey clouds for some time because I'm missing my sunshine.

Precious.

I miss her always, but during times like this, I miss her most. I'd just love to sit in silence with her, cuddled in her loving embrace. As silly as it seems, I'm still mildly in disbelief that it's almost been five years since I last heard her voice or popped her an email. Each day, more and more -- as a young, independent woman who's become the proud epitome of her mother, I wish I had the opportunity to wrap my arms around her and tell her, "I'm sorry; I understand now. I understand you and your decisions. I understand more than ever. And I'm sorry I'll never get the chance to make it up to you. I love you. Even when I sometimes feel like you bailed out on us... I love you dearly. And I understand. I understand you more than ever."

I need to sleep -- to rest my tear ducts a little. Hopefully, these clouds would've shifted by morning to let in some much-needed light.

What I Like About You

You know what you want.
You're not afraid to make clear what it is you want with, and from me -- even from the beginning.

You're ready to love.
As terrifying as it is leaving your heart in someone else's hands, you've learnt to trust me with yours, and you don't make me feel guilty for how I feel at any time -- be it good or bad.

You accept my complex personality.
To my advantage, you've been able distinguish the difference between complex and complicated, and you find the beauty in that complexity (as much of a pain it can it be identifying it at times).

You try.
Going out of your way to make my day or to make up for something: priceless.

You forgive me when I screw up.
Surprise: I'm not as perfect as I seem! Yes, you know this, and you don't make it a point of reminding me about it at every turn.

You have a hearty sense of humour.
Your laughter is life, and so is your ability to laugh things off.

You're creative and spontaneous you.
It's no secret: I'm a cheap date who's easily impressed but not easily won over. When I least expect it, there you are, effortlessly putting a smile on my face. I'm not into big fancy or expensive love gestures (although I would never rule them out!), so I appreciate the simple things you do more than you know. 

You put up with my long texts and hand-written letters.
You know how sentimental I am and how much I love these, so I enjoy them even more when they're from you.

You educate yourself.
There's nothing I find sexier than a man who reads; who's constantly working towards being better than he was yesterday -- physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.

You're unapologetically you.
In a world that's got it mapped out what we're all supposed to be like, you've made peace with how different you are, how you think and what you want for yourself -- challenging convention and withstanding the backlash that comes with challenging it.

You accept my nauseating honesty.
I can be abnormally blunt, which pushes some people away, but has seemingly brought you closer.

I'm a complete weirdo.
Sometimes, I just don't know what to do with myself, or I find fitting in impossibly hard. (I swear, I don't always get away with "normal".) And you still like me regardless.

You love with all you are.
Your kindness, your thoughtfulness and your sincerity take my breath away -- living every bit in the moment and not saving anything for a future that may never come.

You make my world a brighter place.

Whether it's a blinking moment or a century, here's to a lifetime of us.

TTS: Interludes of Life

01:03.a.m., Saturday, 13 February 2016

We had quite a few bizarre, uncertain moments tonight.

And I relished them all, Mr Unknown.

TTS: Interludes of Life

Sunday, 21:38pm, 8 February 2016

Hello, my friend.

Yes, I know: I hate this tendency I have of disappearing for months before realising I haven't post anything in ages, too. I've just locked myself in the habit of writing in ink and on paper again, which I find slightly more relaxing and therapeutic than typing on a digital keypad. Sorry, love, I'll work on prioritising each art again.


Hah.

So Valentine's Day coming up. Soon. The less than 168-hours kind of soon. Yay. Freaking. Yay. (That's me attempting to be sarcastic.)

For someone who's quite the romantic (the erect-a-tent-in-my-bedroom-to-create-a-romantic-nook for-two-and-get-my-sister-and-a-friend-to-wait-on-us-because-restuarants-are-such-obvious-past-times-on-this-day-and-I-want-to-do-something-refreshingly-different-even-though-he-hated-it type of romantic), I'm puzzled by my usual indifference about Valentine's. I used to be excited about it -- or at least I think I used to be, but nowadays, I'd probably forget on what day it is were it not for the stark reminders on every social media platform I'm on. Yes, LinkedIn's caught up, too [irritably rolls eyes].

Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those depressingly bitter women who dread the day because I'm not a) getting serenaded or surprised by the love of my life, b) single and miserable, or c) in a loveless and hopeless relationship; I'm indifferent because "Valentine's Day" is something I prefer doing at least once a month when I'm in a relationship. It's the rule and not the exception for me. That's not to say, though, that I wouldn't be blown away at Worthy Suitor's attempt at stealing my heart with a three-course dinner, a bouquet of red roses and a box of exquisite chocolates (we're getting as cliche as possible here) -- by all means, go ahead and let's it -- I mean, we both need to eat, and I'll appreciate it... you've just got to bring more to the table personally than a charming personality and healthy finances to win me over in the mid- and long-term.

And for real love's sake, wear something purple instead of red.

(PS: My Cupid knows all of this already, so no, iwoza-woza won't cut it.)