21:52 p.m., Thursday, 18 August 2016
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He crossed my mind twice these past couple of days. I still wonder if he
thinks of me; if he feels like an assholed punk for doing what he did.
But karma. HA!
Thing is, I was always confused. And
for the first time today, I admitted to myself that he left me
feeling disappointed. And hurt. Just when I thought I was ready to
let my guard down and fall hopefully in love, he pulled the rug from
under my feet and woke me to yet another awful reality. For a change,
I want to write my feelings as they come without censoring myself. I
don't think he's remorseful though. As shitty as it feels thinking
about it, I know it's true. I
pretended like the meteor never touched me. But it blow up in my face
and it scarred. Maybe not necessarily because of him, but because no
one wants to ever feel let down.
It's a strange thing, this loneliness. I'm not
lonely-lonely, but I often do miss male affection and companionship
on an intimate level. I just never want to feel like I'm doing the
settling thing. God, that's far worse than anything I know. And I'm terribly bad at it.
I'm usually overcome by this destabilising feeling of
social pressure when around couples, or at malls, or banks. I tend to feel like I'm one of those
manufactured human beings, being groomed into consumerism, milked for
my labour and brainwashed into stupidity. I feel I'm deliberately exhausted
by "life" itself and forced into a constant state of routine so that I
never amount to anything more than an overrated underachiever,
glorified brand whore and corporate blind sheep.
I can't begin to
express how nauseated I am at the thought of being plied with
romantic garbage that wouldn't float in my waters for even a minute.
As much of a romantic I am, I'm mindboggingly cynical about what
relationships mean to me. I'm not sure I even know yet. I just know
they should feel less like playing Mommy and Daddy, and more like
living in a natural friendship. Romantic relationships often feel too
orchestrated. “Do this if you want her to love you. Say that if you
want him to fall head over heels in love with you. Walk on toothpick
soled shoes and tie a modern noose around your neck if you want
him/her to find you attractive. Be a lot less like yourself. Be more
like the processed boys and girls you see online.” I can't stand
it. Everything about us feels like something we were told to be, or
do. It overwhelms me at times. (If I sound like one of those
conspiracy theorists, or love cynics who bombard the world of social media, I'm off
to a good start.) It really does scare me. And it overwhelms me just
as much. It's no wonder very often, I feel saturated by information
and sensory overload. I simply want to be. Just. Be. Even for one
minute each day. I know I've unconsciously put myself in this
position because I allow myself to be sucked further into this illusive
vacuum on a daily basis, but I'm glad I have the awareness to realise
when I've gone terribly wrong.
Now back to the romantic relationship
part… I don't mean to sound like a hypocrite. I love love. I love
anything that seems to be associated with love. I just don't
appreciate the pretentious, unnatural, predictable assumed side to
it. All that romantic stuff that makes us swoon – the sweet texts,
surprise gifts, handwritten letters… that's all fine. I just have
issues with the way we speak about the realities of relationships in
movies, TV shows, social media, magazines. It's sickening, actually.
I don't buy what any of these folks are selling. Not the Insta
pictures. Not the Facebook statuses. Nothing.
But "L"... he was love.
And Pumla and Nici are love.
And my parents are love.
And my loved ones are love.
And I am love.
And life is love.
Love is all I need.
